How to Talk so Kids Will Listen - Cooperation
This is Part 2 of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, covering how to enlist cooperation based on the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You can find Part 1 on helping kids deal with their feelings HERE and Part 3 on discipline HERE.
Everyone who knows everything about parenting is well aware of the fact that - with the right advice - children are easily manipulated into behaving perfectly 100% of the time. Right? That idea is silly, right? We can strive to be better, but we aren’t perfect and our kids aren’t robots.
Faber and Mazlish respond to the question, “should I expect my children to always behave with these techniques?” Their response:
“We would hope not. Children aren’t robots. Our purpose is not to set forth a series of techniques to manipulate behavior so children always respond. Our purpose is to speak to what is best in our children; intelligence, initiative, their sense of responsibility, their sense of humor, their ability to be sensitive to the needs of others. We want to put an end to talk that wounds the spirit and search out the language that nourishes self-esteem. We want to create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves and because they care about us. We want to demonstrate the kinds of respectful communication that we want them to use with us now, during their adolescence, and as our adult friends.”
The authors point out the tension between parents and kids: as parents, we are trying to get children to behave in socially acceptable ways. Kids’ brains have other priorities, like play and exploring. And discovering attention-grabbing places to stick lollipops. There are a lot of ineffective ways we try and get kids to conform to our expectations. These tactics erode our children’s trust in us and themselves.
What NOT to do:
Blaming and accusing. Your dirty fingerprints are everywhere. Why do you always do that?
Name-calling. It’s below freezing and you’re wearing sandals; you’re dumb.
Threats. If you don’t sit down and eat dinner right now, you won’t get to go to soccer.
Commands. I want you to clean up your room right this minute.
Lecturing. Do you think that was a nice thing to do? We treat others like we want to be treated.
Warnings. Watch it, you’ll burn yourself.
Martyrdom. What are you trying to do to me? Send me to an early grave?
Comparisons. Why can’t you be more like your sister?
Sarcasm. Well, look at that, eating the play sand. Shall I get you a spoon?
Prophesy. Do you know what you’re going to be when you grow up? Someone no one will trust.
Boring Children with Mid-19th Century Abstract French Poetry. Ce ne seront jamais ces beautés de vignettes; Produits avariés, nés d'un siècle vaurien; Ces pieds à brodequins, ces doigts à castagnettes; Qui sauront satisfaire un coeur comme le mien.
Faber and Mazlish suggest these alternative strategies to initiate cooperation:
Describe: explain what you see or your interpretation of the problem. This goes from the child seeing something wrong with them to an opportunity for the child to problem solve (positive). “I see blueberry juice on your hands.”
Give information: explain why the social or family norm exists. “Leaving food out encourages ants.” “Walls are not for writing on, paper if for writing on.” “It would be helpful if you put on your socks.” “Die Hard is classified as a Christmas movie for the following reasons. Please have a seat, this will take a while.”
Say it with a word: it is easier for kids to hear one word than a lecture and can feel less patronizing. I’m not going to bore you with an example here. It is important that the word not be the child’s name or just NO, both of which do not give the child enough information to do something with.
Talk about your feelings: By talking about your feelings you can be genuine without being hurtful – the old, “all feelings are okay, all behavior isn’t” adage (are you getting tired of this yet?). People (all people, not just kids) are more open to irritation and anger when they are not being attacked and blamed for it. Again, this keeps kids away from “defender” and towards “problem solver” (I can do something about this!). Instead of “stop that you’re annoying me,” try “I don’t like having your boogers wiped on me.”
Write a note: A note can feel very official to a kid in a way that they respect. If it is written, then it must have more consideration given to it. You can also try pointing out signs that signal societal norms, “no peeing in the pool.”
Some additional notes:
What you say is as important as how you say it. Avoid sarcasm, ridicule, and condescension.
Humor can be powerful – galvanize children into action and add levity. A funny voice can go a long way.
When you’ve tried and tried the tactics above and nothing is working ask yourself these questions:
Is my request age and ability appropriate?
Does my kid find my request unreasonable?
Can I offer a choice between two acceptable options?
Are there any physical changes to the house that could engage cooperation?
Am I spending time being with my kid outside of asking them to do something?
When you’re giving information, don’t tell kids what they already know, it feels condescending, but of course, you already knew that.
Some children are very sensitive to their parents’ disapproval, which can make sharing your negative emotions difficult. For them, statements like, “I feel angry when you get up from the dinner table,” can be overwhelming. For these children try stating your expectations rather than your emotions, “I expect everyone in the family to eat at the dinner table.”
As you test these strategies, there may be a transition period where your kid is like “yo, WTF?” They’ll question the change. Many parents have found that as they deploy these strategies, kids start to open up more broadly about their lives and - in addition - to be more cooperative.
Real listening is hard work – it takes energy and attention to change communication habits. So, make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
