And That's Why You Always Leave a Note
There is probably not a lot of parenting advice to take from Arrested Development, except maybe for the dramatic retelling of stories to impart wisdom; and that’s why you always leave a note. This NPR story details what two women learned about parenting from Inuit tribes: parenting can be done without yelling and instead story telling.
In Inuit culture, frustration, irritation, and any other outward expression of anger are considered weak. Childlike. Demonstrable anger in an adult is a temper tantrum, a sign of the adult’s inability to process, deal, or effectively express their anger.
Clinical psychologist, Laura Markham, says, “When we yell at a child, we’re training the child to yell when they get upset, and that yelling solves problems.” When we yell, kids tend to focus on the yelling rather than the lesson. Okay, so if yelling isn’t how the Inuit teach their children, what mind-melding tricks do they use?
Stories. Scary stories.
Cognitive psychologist, Steven Pinker, notes that humans’ ability to tell and learn from stories is fundamental to our evolution. Our brains are wired for them. The little dopamine bursts from hearing tales make them a supremely effective way to learn from someone else’s experience. Hearing about Hansel, the HUNGRY bear that hangs his hat in the cave around the bend teaches us how not to become dinner. A story’s imagery triggers the mirror neurons in our brains and allows us to put ourselves in the character’s shoes. Oh, hi, empathy 👋.
An example from Inuit culture: how to teach kids to stay away from the ocean, where they could easily drown without repeatedly yelling, “Don’t go near the water?!”? Inuit parents take a pre-emptive approach and tell kids a unique story about what’s inside the water. Spoiler alert: it’s the sea monster, with a giant pouch on its back just for little kids.
I was skeptical of this approach and was hesitant to introduce any terrifying monster that would potentially destabilize bedtime. But, my opinion changed when my kids very promptly stopped standing on chairs after telling them the story of their friend who fell off a chair, knocking out her two front teeth. And they now tell that story to their chair-standing-friends.
Here are some tips on incorporating more storytelling into your kiddos’ lives.
If you’re looking for story ideas, lean on the classics. Little Red Riding Hood teaches children to listen to their parents and not talk to strangers. Kids can learn about sharing from The Pidgeon Finds a Hotdog. Watching Breaking Bad, your kid will pick up on all the benefits science and dangers of mass manufacturing of drugs.
Have dinner as a family (you know, around the table) and tell stories from your childhood, which will flex your empathy mussels.
Tell them stories of when they were younger.
Have grandparents and great-grandparents tell them stories like how they met and what school was like what they were little. Then have them tell the kids all about dot matrix printers and how satisfying it was to tear the perforated paper.
Have them make up a story and tell it to you.
Read this article about how to tell Coen-brother-level bedtime stories. The author recommends remembering that stories should have a beginning, middle, and end. Make sure there is conflict and resolution. Great storytelling uses pitch, pacing, and pausing to keep kids engaged (fast to slow is good for an easy laugh in our house). Lastly, encourage audience participation.
