How to Build Grit in Kids; Summary of Grit
Last week we covered “grit” and how it evolves over a lifetime. This week, we’re going to walk through strategies on developing and modeling grit (some backed by science and some really good hypotheses). Duckworth points out that grit levels aren’t fixed (even as we mature...errr...age). However—-she neglects to acknowledge, as Paul Tough does—-that exhibiting or learning grit is exceedingly difficult for children that experience early-childhood stress, neglect, poverty, or violence.
How to help develop grit in kids:
Hope, ideas about how to foster a growth mindset in your kid:
Highlight times when your kid or someone else practiced and got better.
Praise effort rather than talent:
React to mistakes as a learning opportunity rather than something harmful or problematic. Steven Spielberg is great at this. Seriously. If you’re friends with him, now would be a good time to connect with him. Or Oprah.
Instead of…You made a huge mess when you spilled that milk!
Try...You spilled the milk, and you learned to move your glass before you started gesticulating wildly. Can you help clean this up?
Model emotion-free mistake making.
Instead of...Grrr! I can’t believe I left my coffee on the top of the car. And drove away.
Try...I left my coffee on top of the car.
Have your family practice saying, “That was hard. It was great.”
Play, ways to encourage play (or rather not to discourage play)
Keep interests, activities, and learning fun, pleasant, and rewarding (intrinsically) throughout childhood, and remember that challenging and fun are not opposites.
Give lots of encouragement and little criticism.
Help kids identify the intrinsic reward in something.
Instead of...If you swim across the pool, you’ll get an ice cream cone
Try...Learning how to swim can be fun because then you can dive off the diving board.
Practice & Perseverance, how to promote ongoing improvement
While interests might not deepen (and bring along deliberate practice) until 6th or 7th grade, you can start laying the groundwork by introducing the idea that hard work and preparation help you learn and get better (i.e., hope ☝️).
Teach kids to love a challenge. Highlight the intrinsic value in a challenge (i.e., not ice cream).
Avoid linking embarrassment, fear, and shame with making mistakes, preventing future enthusiastic learning and trials.
Instead of...I can’t believe you don’t know the derivative of y = arc sin cos x!
Try...It looks like you’re still learning derivatives.
Don’t be afraid of genuine adversity; when paired with growth, it wires a gritty brain. Duckworth worries about ‘the fragile perfects.’ Those kids who have been protected from all adversity, thus not learning how to fail gracefully or failing is a learning opportunity.
Acknowledge to kids that effortless performances have a lot of practice and mistakes that came beforehand.
When kids are old enough to truly start practicing (not until middle schoolish), teach them about deliberate practice: focusing on areas for improvement.
To get the most out of intentional practice, kids have to be okay identifying weak points. So, make it OK for kids to see what they’re not good at.
Passion and Purpose
Passion and purpose are unlikely to hit your kid until adulthood, but you can help teach them that 'love at first sight' isn't going to happen. Instead, it will take development and commitment.
Point out examples of other people’s passions (and the hard work that comes with it). How does their passion connect to other people (aka purpose)?
Modeling Grit, ways to demonstrate grit
Model hope.
Instead of...Work is terrible.
Try...Work is hard right now, but I’m sure it will get easier soon.
Demonstrate that you’re okay making mistakes. Acknowledge your mistakes and point out what you learned.
Model emotion-free mistake making.
Practice saying, ‘That was hard. It was great!’
Foster your own passions and remember, passions are not magically discovered one day. They are cultivated.
Have role models that demonstrate purpose. If you’re friends with Weird Al, now is the time………..or Oprah.
If you don’t have purpose in your work, try shifting your perspective. There is this lovely parable: there are three bricklayers. When asked what they’re doing, the first says, “laying bricks,” the second says, “building a church,” the third says, “building the house of God.” While doing the same work, one has a job, one has a career, and the other found a calling.
